ok, so let’s talk about all this painting

I’ve been craving this feeling, of creating and expressing without anxiety or over-thinking- for a long time and I haven’t had the space, the literal, physical space and the emotional space and/or mental focus to actually buy canvas and paint and let my hands do the rest. And then we moved to the country and I had/have a desk, a secret desk, a whole room to myself, where my art supplies could live out at all times ready to be used. Lo and behold, I started making a lot more art.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned this year about my own mental health is that I have ADD. Have probably had it my whole life. I think it runs in my family. I think it’s a trauma response to a very disjointed childhood that ended abruptly and traumatically and revolved around childcare and people-pleasing. It’s come to my attention since starting a more-corporate-albeit-very-progressive gig that I do not think the same way that it appears the majority of this team thinks. And then ADD TikTok helped me and all my friends feel far less alone (shout out to Panda, the TikTok influencer in our friend group) and realize that we all have ADD and we’ve probably been attracted to each other because of those traits.

But ADD and the corporate world with deadlines and “accountability” and constant “feedback” don’t really mix well together. I average between 3-8 zoom calls a day. Often with people I don’t know. And I’m an introvert. I don’t sit still well. The anxiety has been building, but I’m starting to find relief. In no small part due to the freaking painting.

My hands can move as fast as my brain, finally, for once. I make decisions without overthinking. I don’t put off what I intuitively know is good and beautiful and cohesive and complimentary. I just do. I put the brush in the paint, I let my hand guide me to the color and I smoosh it on the canvas. Over and over. And when I get bored of a color, I shift. I hate cleaning brushes. So I don’t. I scoop up more color and see what happens. When I’m bored with the technique of the brush, I shift. There is always more beauty to make somewhere nearby. I hate wasting paint, so I don’t. I work until the paint is gone from the plate. I mix more as I need it. Every color is unique. Every brush stroke a thought, a memory, a song, a conversation, a feeling, a passing moment, a different dimension, full of possibility.

An Aside: What happens when we take a tool away? —when we purposefully or are unwillingly limited in some capacity? I gave up my camera this year. Capturing weddings and celebrations and portraits and boudoir and events… all of that went away overnight with the panoramic.

I didn’t adapt a FaceTime photography practice. I didn’t brave the early months of the pandemic to photograph risky weddings. I froze. I completely shut down. My camera became a reminder of the life that suddenly was ripped from me. It wasn’t comforting or fun to try and photograph myself or my surroundings when I felt trapped by both.

I want to be messy. Paint-flecked. Glitter-covered. Pomegranate stained. If it means I can create, if it means I can move my hands and calm my brain for the time it takes me to complete a painting, is worth it.

The relief, of putting thoughts on paper without words, without structure, improvised, honest, in the moment, pure from my fucking heart, is deep and profound. Intergenerational healing. I feel it reaching back beyond me, before me, for all the women in my lineage that have been caretakers since they were children themselves, helping the family get ahead. The ones who sacrificed their own dreams and visions and thoughts and futures for the ones who would come after them. Related and not. 

Sidenote: This was my art back in January and February. Lauren pointed out the difference to me today and it really struck me. A lot has burst free since then. March was by far the longest month of my life. I feel liberated by some big choices I’ve made in the recent months, including making my way westward to the deserts of California for a four month stint. More soon. Much more.