been thinking about being 17.

been thinking about being 17.

band of horses playing over my crackled stereo of my car. a vehicle literally called the POS. given to me for free from a neighbor who had three kids just slightly older than me who had all used this 1996 Geo Prizm as their first car. the power steering fluid would fall right through the car, but every week I emptied a bottle of the blue stuff into some valve under the hood and I could steer it freely until sunday. by thursday i was muscling the steering wheel for even the slightest turn. 

i can feel the full 180 turn of the highway, getting on the 60 from the 15. i would drive 30 mins each way to a job that was paying me $7 an hour. a hawaiian restaurant called honolulu harry’s. gas was $4.25/gallon. the restaurant was dead. it was 2008 and the housing crisis had hit southern california hard. people were foreclosing on their homes left and right.  i’d applied to 80 jobs, most of them in person, driving around desperately trying to get an entry level job. the deal i struck with my parents was i could quit sports if i got a job. i had the pos and i had to pay for insurance and gas if i wanted to drive her so... honolulu harry’s would do. 

the polyester, completely appropriated ‘hawaiian’ shirts. the disgusting smell of the bathroom cleaner. the taste of wasabi mashed potatoes. the feeling of sticky, wet plastic menus, wiping them down every moment of waiting at the host stand. reading gandhi. the pit in my stomach, looking up and seeing my crush from church walk through the doors to visit me. the late nights, driving home, nodding off at the wheel. the california desert august heat. the hot, dry october wind. 

30 inches closer and i can’t help but think about how much i am the same. i’ve changed, yes, but i was pretty close then. i was as anti-authority as i am now. i was as sensitive as i am now. i was funny and dry, and awkward and shy, just like i am now. i felt like i knew my place in the world. i was dreaming of opening a bakery, and here i am, with the same beautiful dream in front of me again. but even more possible this time around.

i thought i knew then what i know i know now: i’m here to serve a community. with my light, my truth, my seeking nature, my depth, my feeling ways. i had to lose it and find it and lose it again- and find it again. i think i know that’s to be expected now- a forever flow of finding and losing, shedding and gaining.

i am stronger now. wiser. more trusting of myself. i know what i’m capable of. i know how to stand on my own two feet and i know how to rely on the people around me. i’ve been struck by the idea (from a meme, thank you instagram) that first comes self actualization, then comes communal actualization.

we find ourselves to find each other.