things i know right now
These are the things I know right now.
I now know I needed room to fucking breathe. I needed space and trees, rooms with doors. I am overcome with relief that I look out my window right now and see trees, tall, old oaks with deep, interconnected root systems and a century of wisdom. I see a blue sky with white, silvery clouds lingering, suspended for the moment (something I do not take for granted as I pray for a miraculous end to the wildfires on the west coast). i see sunlight tickling the edges of the leaves, the leaves that are starting to turn their shades of sage then seneca then crimson. Some mornings I wake up and put my shoes on and I walk. Sometimes the cat follows me as far as she will, then turns back when she reaches her invisible boundary, one she set for herself, apparently. I know I need to be here, in relative isolation with nature, my wife, and our cat.
I know Community is different now. I’m finding new ways to engage. I’m eager for spontaneous interactions and I find my attention zeroed in on whomever I encounter in “the wild”. The wild being the trail behind our house where retirees walk and jog, and maybe sometimes stop to tell you the kind of tree you’re inspecting. The new moon in Virgo is reminding me to mind the details. I’m a dreamer. I like to talk about the vision at large and someone else can figure out the how. I wanna talk about the what. But sometimes that manifests in less than cute ways, like forgetting my friends’ birthdays, not following through on rescheduling, or not texting back. “but i was up in the clouds, reading emergent strategy and daydreaming about the kind of future we’re building together on this earth right now. what’s my part in it? where can i be of service? of value? where do i belong now that i’m comfortable saying i belong nowhere and might always be a nomad?” anyway. September is a good month for doing better on the details with my friends. I have approximately 46,987 friends with birthdays this month and I’m sending packages and handmade cards. I set reminders on my phone to call and wrote them into my 76 different to-do lists. I want to be better at gifts and presents. As I’ve moved and unpacked, I’ve taken stock of all the amazing gifts people have given me: a painting for my birthday, a book I’ve picked up 8 times and blows my mind so hard every time that i have to set it down, a plant that’s now multiplied into two! I know I want my friends to have things around them that remind them I’m there with them.
I know my self-worth is growing as I find my feet in my new work environment. Separately, I’m working on a book thing and as I outline it, I can see how all the skills I built at all my random jobs (nanny, baker, barista, food “blogger”, wedding photographer) actually equipped me pretty well to transition into this role as… what are we calling it? some kind of creative salesperson, services advocate. I know how to build relationships with people and how to follow up with folks. I know how to suss out the need and brainstorm on solutions. Lauren and I work together full time, from our home in our tiny town, in different offices in the same house. It’s perfect for us. We pivoted hard and built this small business for our survival and it’s hard to believe that our plan is actually working out. I know there’s a tricky mix of privilege and resourcefulness that got us to this place.
I know the world is a terrifying place and all I can do is focus on the things I can control. Questions that have been on my mind: How do I support my community in this time in a way that is authentic and sustainable to me? How do I show up for the revolution every single day with an act of resistance to dominant culture and the status quo? How will I reflect on my actions in this time in 20 years? In what ways can I strip shame from the equation so that I can continue this fight for the rest of my life without depleting myself, falling in to self-sacrifice and martyrdom? Who do I protect? Who do I serve? Are my actions in line with my values? Am I living within my Integrity? I know that if I continue asking myself these questions and holding myself accountable to the legacy I leave behind when it comes to the revolution we find ourselves in, I will find the ways to connect and support the movement in the ways that are most utilizing my gifts and talents. I know that if I’m on the lookout for opportunities to help, I will find them.
I know that writing and putting it into the world is deeply healing for my soul. Thank you for reading my words. I’m feeling the flow and I’m going with it. Something about this time is really clarifying what’s important to me and how I want to spend my energy engaging with the world. This. This is where I am the most me. Thank you for accepting the invitation to witness and entangle with me.