i am noticing

here is what i’m noticing right now: 

i’m noticing more joy. more connection. more honesty. 

i am witnessing this moment in time in a different way, 2.5 hours north of a city that once was home, but honestly it feels more like 2.5 miles above the atmosphere. i am noticing my lightness, the freedom i’ve gained within myself by getting out of a place that was suffocating me with overstuffed schedules and too-fast subway trains. i need to be here to listen to this wisdom of the trees. i need to be here to read the words of the future travelers, the Black femmes like Octavia Butler and adrienne maree brown and bell hooks. they are my teachers and leaders into this new paradigm, a paradigm centered on Liberation and Justice. They are the future keepers, the visionaries, the empathic Black femmes that have been doing this work for centuries. Look to them for the future of liberation and justice you seek. 

i am noticing how i have freed myself of toxicity with every year that passes. i am fine tuning. i am refining myself and the environment i want to be in. i am reclaiming my autonomy, my power, my choice. 

i am noticing a shift toward lightness. the trajectory has been there, but now i’ve slowed down enough to notice the trend. i am healing myself. i am on a journey of healing, reparenting, re-discovering, remembering who i am, what i stand for, and how to live within my integrity. i am noticing change in me, growth in me, that i am proud of and surprised by its ease. i am noticing my toolbox of coping mechanisms is cleaning up and i’m keeping it more organized than i have in the past. i am noticing the habits i’ve built and how they support me as i do the shadow work of journeying into the underworld, unearthing the parts of me left behind, reclaiming them and resurfacing, over and over, like an underwater diver. 

or perhaps i’ve been doing that my whole life, stockpiling my own precious jewels of lessons learned, relationships had and lost, what works for me and what doesn’t, and now i’m on dry land, looking at all i’ve collected, taking inventory. i’m putting together a collection of these valuables to share. i feel called to it. i can’t explain it other than to say it feels like i’ve been working up to this my entire life. like deja vu- i knew i would arrive here. here in this home, in this town, away from anything and anyone i know. here in my body (finally). here in my marriage (finally). here in my sense of self and purpose (finally!) here i am. proving myself right. i have it in me. i have the guts, the gumption, the audacity to live loudly. i am strong enough to be vulnerable. i know that safety is an illusion if it doesn’t start with you being safe in your body first and foremost. 

i am noticing a shift in my spirit. i am turning toward the light. i am laying down the ego more often. i am willing to let you see me unguarded, even if for the briefest of moments. i am gaining control of my boundaries, learning the sacred sound and feel of the word NO in my mouth. it tastes like ripe raspberries straight off the bush, warmed from the sun. NO. No, Thank You. No, Not Today. No, I won’t speak to you like that. No, I won’t let you speak to me that way. 

i am noticing a shift in my approach to community. i am turning toward to the light. we are stronger in numbers. at the end of the day, you might need your neighbor to save your life. or you might save his. i say this as i watch my neighbor, a man in his late 70’s, climb a 6 foot ladder. i am noticing my growing understanding of the line between life and death. i am noticing how i’ve shifted my priorities accordingly. i am noticing my gratitude for every sunrise, my joy with every glimpse of the moon or stars, reminding me that here we are, the cosmos, all together, all as one, doing what we’re meant to do: survive. carry the species forward. we’re still new here and we haven’t quite figured out the system that works for all of us.

i’m noticing people turning their lights on. i’m noticing businesses and corporations tuning in, listening to new ideas and renouncing old systems as a part of the dead and dying paradigm. i’m noticing my personal power in the work i’ve done to understand the world through understanding myself, now i can speak of these ideas with others who are organizing and trying to do better. i’m noticing a desire, a deep longing, for a world focused on liberation and justice for all beings. 

my future visions are emerging. i’m seeing my role in the whole. i am grateful for my hard skills- cooking, cleaning, taking care of children, executive functions of all types. they will be my survival if i need them. i can care for my community with these skills, should it come to that. i am grateful for my empathy, my compassion, my courage to dream, i am grateful to the teachers who lead me. i am grateful to the guides in my life who have lead me here. they are mostly of the spirit variety, and i find it miraculous that i knew to listen. somehow, i knew that i had to listen to my intuition if i was going to survive, if my soul was going to stay online. and here i am. at the edge of the world, ready to forge ahead.